Many people have asked me how I could just simply "change" after being married to a man from 1983 to 1988. Well, the simple answer is, "I didn't change, but I finally allowed me to be the person God created me to be from the beginning!"

I was raised in a very conservative and religious home. The concept of "right and wrong" was instilled in all five of us kids from the very beginning . . . to the point where there was no thinking for ourselves. The do's and don'ts of the very religious, "Christian" home were more important than having a personal relationship with God and for being all that God created us to be.

When I was in high school, I didn't have any crushes on any girls, but I often wondered why some of my friends would prefer being with their boyfriends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than just hanging-out with the girls. At times I would even wonder if I might be gay, but I quickly would suppress that thought, knowing that couldn't be who I was, because I was a "good, Christian girl."

Throughout my 20s (yes, even during the time I was married), I had crushes and continuing thoughts of providing the "needs" of a special woman. Again, though, I was heavily involved in the church in multiple facets and quickly suppressed those thoughts. After never emotionally connecting with my husband, the marriage soon deteriorated, and he filed for a divorce and moved to Boise. I gained sole custody of my daughter, and focused on raising her and hid myself in my "works" in the local church.

God, who am I?
However, as my daughter started to hit the pre-teen years, I decided to start to really look at who I was . . . aside from being miserable because I felt the "works" were fine, but I wasn't truly happy. I started doing an intense Bible study of both the Old and New Testaments of the Scriptures, looking at the original Hebrew or Greek of those scriptures that many "Christians" used to say homosexuality was wrong. To my amazement, my study revealed that God was not the homophobic God Christians have portrayed Him to be over the years (see my studies listed on the "LGBT Studies" page).

Although I still had not had a relationship with a woman yet, I soon had to accept the fact that I was born and created a lesbian. I prayed and studied a lot during this time. The more I came to grips with who I was, the freer and happier I became. God brought a woman to me who was trying to get "healed" from being a lesbian. We spent almost two years together on our respective journeys. Through much Bible study and prayer, we both are happy Christians who happen to be lesbians (though not together as a couple any longer).

It was at the beginning of this relationship when I came-out to my daughter (at the time, she was 12 years old). Since I had raised her in a home that was homophobic and put her in a "Christian" school for four years, she spent several years really struggling with who her mom was and living with a lesbian mom. However, she soon became one of my biggest fans and says that now that she truly knows me, she could never accept me as a heterosexual mother. I appreciate her love and support.

Be All You Can Be
My heart aches for the many young (and old) people who are struggling with living as God created them to be simply because man has put his "opinions" on people of who they should be and how they should live. God created each of us in His / Her own image (God has both the male and female characteristics of each of us); therefore, none of us is a mistake.

Yes, if I had my "druthers" life would be much easier if I were a straight woman. I would not wish upon any person the looks and the continuing hatred that is aimed at gays and lesbians. However, since I am NOT a straight woman and since God did create me as a lesbian, then I will live proudly . . . I am not ashamed of who I am. I ache for people who feel they cannot live as out lesbians or out gay men in fear of what others think or say. To not share the love of a significant other with family is heartbreaking. May each and every person reading this who has not experienced the freedom of living as God created him / her to be reach that freedom with God's help and love!

God bless you!

Colorado Resource
If you would like material immediately related to coming-out as a lesbian or gay man, you may want to visit the Colorado GLBT Community Center website. Although the Center is in Denver, they can provide assistance to anyone and even direct you to a LGBT Center near you.

For those in Northern Colorado, contact the Lambda Center in Fort Collins!